a father

I never knew my father, never really had the chance. Oh, sure its been a whirlwind of emotion. From Father-Son deals, sports, to pretty much anything I have always had that hole. Not that I am complaining, that hole has left a lot of room for some things. I see people, I mean really see people. I look for their heart, their humanity, their needs. I don't think I'd be so willing to see these things if I didn't so strongly need and want. I think I'd be conceited if I had the security a father provides. I am already self-centered. When I see the broken or profound, I usually weave it into some muse that in and of itself is used to validate me, as if I were profound and inspiring just for opening my eyes. Its not about the eloquence and art, its about the fact that I saw it...gross. If I had a father, I probably would have never noticed the dying eyes that cross my path everyday. I would be even more self involved. And it would be something like sports or sales that would validate me...I'd have the security to dare to achieve without it being a matter of an open door for the naysayer that promises my inadequacy. I watch how Rex, a young man who's father is one of the finest men I have ever known, carries himself. When Rex shoots a basketball, I don't think he has this inner dialogue debating the accuracy of his impending shot, nope...just shoot! Somehow that comes down to fatherhood for me, I can't logic it out, but its consistent in all that I see. ah, I am on the verge of digression, standard (soon I will blame my inability to stay on task on my lack of parenting,just wait and see)...anyway I would be secure, and thus achieve on level proportionate to my athletic ability making me consumed with that aspect of my life, no longer concerned with the muse that validates me. Maybe I wouldn't need to see humanity if my own were good enough, and maybe growing up with a father would make it that.

I look at some friends of mine and it disturbs me so much. They are these great beautiful people who live life well. I waver between jealousy and insecurity, but never both together, that would be too honest. I watch how well he listens and executes relationships, and I can't see past my own problems anymore to do that. I think I could once. I really want him to know I admire and love he and his wife, but I also want that from someone. They are truly superior to me, more disciplined, more loving, better read, better people. It makes me want to find some couple and be that to them, glimmering gold to their dull whatever. I need to find some dull whatevers. They're the kind of people that always leave you hiding from yourself, your messes, your thoughts, your religion, just that damned good. But they're different, because they carry your load too, they press you through. Even when it takes work, they listen and love.
I bet he'd be a better dad than me.

I'm so scared of being a father. First of all I have all this rage, stuff just makes me mad, really mad. I don't think that will ever change, my passions are deep, and part of me, an integral part. This rage and this passion are made of the same stuff. I don't know how to be different. I don't want my baby growing up fearing that rage, or worse, sharing it. I am a mess, physically, spiritually, emotionally. Outside my house right now are six cars, five are mine, two of which run. I don't want to be that guy. I hope God reads blogs, I need help. I can't ever find my damn anything, right now I don't know where my keys, phones, palm pilot, wallet, check book are- vague clues on some of that, but most of it is very lost. I am a hypocrite, I have tasted the love of God, seen His glory, and operate outside both in the midst of proclaiming it in front of 90 people. I abuse money, its not real to me, there's always more. I will pay for this, float this check, sell this, borrow money all in the same day without any taking care of any situation mentioned. i.e. buy a drill, overdraft my account, float a check from another source, then borrow money for dinner all in the same day, only to fix the problem by selling something near and dear for a loss.
I am obsessive compulsive. I can't handle messes, asymmetry, impatience, incorrect color use, so many things can drive me so mad. I over analyze everything (like you hadn't figured that out). I can usually tell you how many minutes a certain lyric is into a song within three seconds, all the while reading your every twitch and further contorting it into justification for my insecurity.
I struggle with so much. And now I have added another struggle into my life, this time it matters, really matters. This time its a baby. I can't yell at him, I can't control him, I can't criticize him, I can't spend his diaper money, I can't lose him. Scary.
I must admit, my biggest fear is that I won't love him. I only love so much, until you cut one time too many, then things change...you become just another dying soul to me, no more no less. My mother and I haven't spoken in 5 months, and I don't care if I ever see outside of a casket again. Truly, I care more about my cat then her.
She hurt me too many times, I anticipate her death. I don't want my child to even have the option becoming that to me. I can't handle the idea of not loving my son, not having any more to give him.