Pain

I wish I had read C.S. Lewis on this, I am sure he would offer some sort of articulation on the convoluted issue. I wish I could spell it out for people. I can't help but be amazed (and impressed) at their being suprised at pain. Its wierd because in some ways, the throw tempestous fits in anticipation, like a child about to get a shot, and cause themselves even more pain. Then once the pain arrives, they sulk in it, as opposed to letting it pass. Its kinda like they sulk in it, and anticipate more (flailing about inside), and perplex themselves with why questions, all simoultaneously. Why did this ever happen to me? Why does this hurt so bad? Why can't I stop hurting? Why does this get to me so bad? Why can't I change this? Nothing is worse than a hurt, confused, scared dog. Then people in their mad state bite, whoever they can, however they can, but deeper than they can conceive on their own. I met a woman recently who's life was as hard and painful as could be. She'd been beaten and raped repeatedly. Ran away from all of that...met the man of her dreams, fell in love, happy for twenty years, then watched that beloved husband die slowly of cancer. Incidently he was diagnosed with cancer 31 days after he was laid off, making his insurance null and void, leaving a mountain of debt. Next, maybe the devil will beseech God for her children. (JOB) I mean her life just stinks. The family that beat and raped her, are still stirring it up, even twenty years later. She comes to me, and asks for counseling. Me, a man who can't control his bowels (see 10/25 post), wept today because I couldn't find my keys, paycheck(s), and has more mistakes looming over his head than most. She wanted to know about pain, and why it won't pass. I had taught on grace and forgiveness, from Matthew 18. I had shared how we needed to forgive those around us (the obvious cliche) and had pressed those listening to consider whom they need to forgive. The woman had been fighting with her father, as most families do, only the piles of junk that the past held was starting to collapse and wounding any semblence of relationship might have been. Amazingly simple. For years, people had offered trite bull shit, avoiding an intimate and challenging conversation (because that might be painful) "God will use that for testimony" "Just pray about it" "God will take the pain away" What the hell? If God uses all things (Romans 8:28) than doesn't he use pain. In fact pain is what most of its about. I must love my brother as He loved them...I must die for them, moreover I must live for them...letting someone else's will dictate my every step. HURTING is natural, necessary, and guaranteed. Why do we fear it, I would rather hurt then live in fear. I would rather ache then live in denial and mediocrity. I would rather force my friend to succumb to God and His promise (heaven) then let some poor attempt at pacification fall short and make my God seem as a liar even if by mere association. Moths and thieves and rust wait to debunk the crap that Christians live for today. If we would ache for heaven, if we would anticipate heaven, we would be at peace. Every single person I have ever met that lived for Christ suffered. The Spirit will use pain here, but why do we expect to see some logical excerpt of His work. Pagans trust more than that. Now even as I write this I expect some attack, and fearfully so, but my focus is that which is to come (right now that focus is better said: is what is promised really to come?) not whether or not my mother is justified to unleash her scorn on me in some drunken slur. Truthfully it doesn't matter, but it always hurts. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, if there is no pain there is no absence, if there is no absence there is false contentment.
At some point humanity confused pain and effort, with a majority thinking that even the smallest exertion is pain. I however have further confused the situation, I confused pain and life. I don't know how to prevent, even sense the coming onslaught, as it is only life to me. Its only me juggling something, it'll be okay...and if peace comes, this self destructive thing comes along, where I destroy everything until I can fill that ever present need for pacification with pain. I am addicted to chaos and the destruction it brings. I love it, probably because it is so natural to me, so much so that itis essential